XIII. The Bad Place.

At the risk of stating the obvious, I’ll state the obvious: There are Bad Places as well as Good Places. 

I was in a Bad Place yesterday. I installed a new software program on my computer and the one function I needed the program to do for me wouldn’t work the way it was supposed to. I called Tech Support, only to find out that the line wouldn’t be open until Monday. It was Friday. I tried on-line help and was informed that I’d get an answer to my question the next business day. Bit by bit, step by step, frustration by frustration, I slipped into my Bad Place. Computers can do that to you when something isn’t working right. I’m sure you know what I mean.

Then the phone rang. It was Fluntrick with an annoying question. I was curt and snippy with him. That’s what happens when I’m in a Bad Place. Does this ever happen to you? How do you act when you’re in a Bad Place?

About 10 minutes later I was back in a Good Place. I’ll tell you later how I got there. One hint though: it involved a few deep breaths. 

Rule # 87: We all have Good Places and Bad Places. Sometimes we're in a tug-of-war between the two.

Here’s some basic information about Bad Places:

·         The Bad Place is where some people go when things don’t work out the way they want them to. (Like having them run out of your favorite ice cream flavor.)

·         When you’re in the Bad Place, you get angry and curse your fate.

·         The Bad Place is where you take that anger out on others.

·         The Bad Place is where you feel sorry for yourself.

·         People in the Bad Place are always looking for someone else or something else to blame for their sad predicament. Examples: Their parents, the government, the boss-who-doesn’t-get-them, their parole officer, their husbands, or wives, or kids, that nasty professor.

·         People in the Bad Place is a place get eaten up by envy (the only sin which gives the sinner no pleasure), jealousy, crippled bitterness and resentment.

·         Sometimes you can recognize a Bad Place because there is a banging of fists on tables (or anything else handy), there are often naughty words used (you should hear what I called my computer!)

·         People in Bad Places often have a particular sensation somewhere in their bodies. It’s different for each person. It’s good when you learn to recognize the feeling, because then you know you’re in trouble. That’s what is meant by the phrase Listen to Your Body.

 Another Rule, if you will: 

Rule # 98: The Bad Place can reach out with its tentacles and pull us right out of our Good Place.

 Remember what happened to Virgil’s mother that day she was happily taking a pineapple upside-down cake out of the oven when she realized that her son was not going to marry Lucinda after all, even though she thought that would Be the Best Thing For HIm. Whoosh—off to the BAd Place, while the poor pineapple upside-down cake splattered to the floor. You know the rest of the sordid details.

The day that Disappointing Letter From Graduate School arrived, Hobblestone could feel himself slipping into the Bad Place. But he was aware of it, and he could observe it happening. He noticed right away that he was getting angry, and feeling sorry for himself. Not good. He knew from experience that being in the Bad Place only made things even more painful. So what did he do?

 You know what he did. I told you last time. He went to see Aunt Millificent. He decided to build a bridge from the Bad Place to the Good Place.He knew the rule.

Rule # 89: Once we’re aware that we have Good Places as well as Bad Places we are better able to negotiate our way between the two. 

 Don’t forget Rule # 73. Here, I’ll repeat it for you just in case you haven’t been keeping up with all the blog entries:

Rule # 73: Self-awareness brings us a greater degree of freedom than we had when we were unconscious or ignorant.

 

Now, think about this: By the way, what can pull you out of a Good Place? And what can rescue you from a Bad Plac?. This blog isn’t only about Hobblestone (or Virgil’s mother), you know. But there’s one thing I want to say about Virgil’s mother at this point: It’s a damn good thing what she was never rejected from graduate school. And that’s all I have to say about the matter.

                Think about your Bad Places and your Good Places. Build yourself a bridge if you want.

But don’t waste any mental energy thinking about the following issues: 1) Dante’s Inferno; 2) How to find a good therapist  3) Jealousy, envy and bitterness in the nuclear family (or monastery).

XII. The Good Place

XII. The Good Place

                So Hobblestone is  driving to Aunt Millificent’s. He has two things with him: the rejection letter he had just received, and a piece of pineapple upside-down cake that Virgil’s mother gave him to share with the dear lady.That was a nice, thoughtful, kind thing for her to do. Even Virgil’s mother, you see, had her good points.

Rule # 86: We all have our Good Points.

                There’s a lesson to be learned in this: even Difficult People have their Good Points, although sometimes they’re buried under a lot of stuff that is not so good, and we have to look carefully to see them.

                Take Virgil’s mother, for example. Most of the time, if you put her in a kitchen and let her be in charge of the meal, her Good Points come shining through. As long as nothing happens to upset her idea of The Way Things Are Supposed to Be. (That’s another matter. Maybe we’ll get to it later.) Perhaps you remember the ill-fated pineapple upside-down cake, the one that didn’t make its way to Aunt Millificent. In fact, that pineapple upside-down cake didn’t even make its way to the dining room table. But we digress.

                With an occasional exception, the kitchen was a Good Place for Virgil’s mother. It was where she was at her best. She loved to cook, and she loved to know that people were enjoying her food. We could say that being in the kitchen brought out The Very Best in her.

                What brings out the best in you? Where are your Good Places? What are you like when you’re in a Good Place? How is it different from those crabby days we all have from time to time? When is the last time you’ve been in a Good Place? Why not go there more often if you can? Don’t forget: this book isn’t only about Hobblestone, or Virgil’s mother for that matter.

                I’ll give you a personal example to help stimulate your thinking. Whenever I’m working on this blog, I’m in a Good Place. And sometimes when I’m on edge or just plain crabby, one of the best remedies I have is to sit down and work on this blog. You can do the same thing, you know. Just figure out what you do that puts you into a Good Place and then go there—knitting, perhaps, or cooking, or reading mystery stories, or holding a baby, or even housecleaning (which never works for me). Just go there. Our ability to do that is one of the nice things about life. Just put Rule # 94 into practice.

Rule # 94: With practice, we can learn to build bridges which take us to our Good Places.

                That’s why Hobblestone is driving to Aunt Millificent’s house. Being with her is always a Good Place for him, even when it looks like life is just not working out the way he wants it to. Even with a rejection letter lying on the front passenger seat of his car.

                So, until the next entry, give some thought to your good places. Go there if you can. Build some bridges, bridges that will make your life brighter and also benefit others.

             Rule # 88: When we’re in a Good Place, others benefit from it.

                I also encourage you not to think about the following: 1) Anything having to do with Julia Child; 2) What kind of car did Hobblestone drive? 3) Pineapple plantations in third world countries.

                Have a nice day.

XI. Some bridges aren't meant for us.

XI.  Some bridges aren’t meant for us.

                Sometimes we see a bridge that we want to cross, but for some reason that we do not understand at the moment, the gate to the bridge is blocked or we can’t pay the toll. Do you know what I mean?

                Hobblestone just didn’t understand why his application to graduate school at a prestigious New England university was turned down. He was sure that bridge was meant for him. He’d been eyeing it since his sophomore year in college; in fact, it was the only school he applied to for his graduate work. 

“In what?” you ask? Don’t ask. It’s not important to our story.

                I would have hoped by now that you wouldn’t let yourself get distracted so easily by trivial curiosity. But I’m going to Let  Go of the disappointment of thwarted expectations and move on. I harbor no residual resentment, bitterness, dismay or grudges. 

Rule # 52: You’ll be better off if you don’t let yourself get distracted by trivial curiosities.

Rule # 72: Inner peace comes to those who harbor no residual resentment, bitterness, dismay or grudges. 

And that’s what this entry is really all about. Letting it Go. Big things as well as small. Let It Go. Some of you may remember that back in the late 60’s, Paul McCartney sang a song called “Let it be,” but most of us didn’t adopt it as a way of life. After all, we were in the middle of the war in Viet Nam, students were demonstrating all over the place, and no one was willing to let It be, since It was such a mess. 

Things are still a mess, for different reasons, perhaps, but maybe we’re just fed up with being fed up, because a new phrase has emerged in popular parlance: Let It Go. A lot of people work at it lately. Maybe you’ve seen them making fists and then gently opening their fingers, palms facing up. some people also take a deep breath while doing it. I enthusiastically recommend it. And if you want, you can make up your own gesture if it helps you Let It Go.

                It’s time for a quick review. Stay with me on this: At The Ice Cream Stand: They didn’t have Hobblestone’s favorite flavor. (I think they should fire the manager, but who am I to judge?) Instead of having a temper tantrum, Hobblestone played Shoo, Kitty!---which allowed him to Let it Go and discover a new flavor of ice cream (red raspberry, if I remember correctly.) 

                Have you noticed how the two themes are interconnected? Time folds in on itself and the games develop a relationship with one another. Like I’ve said, life isn’t linear. 

                And now, once again, many years later, the dreaded rejection letter comes in the mail. the bridge-gate is shut and locked, and Hobblestone suffers a great disappointment. He thought he had his near future all mapped out, but suddenly the rug is pulled out for him and he has no idea what he’s going to do.

   What do you think he ends up doing? Think about it until next time. 

Meanwhile, don’t waste your time thinking about trivial curiosities such as 1) the name of the school that turned him down; 2) the increasing number of unpaid student loans in our country; 3) the trolls that children think live under the bridge.

X. Shooing the Kitty and a cake that no one got to eat.

X. Shooing the Kitty and a cake that no one got to eat.

 (Note to reader: If you haven’t been keeping up-to-date with your Hobblestone reading, I suggest you go back and get caught up. Otherwise the whole “Shoo, Kitty!” thing will make very little sense to you. Nor will a few other things. Anyway, it’s your call, because it’s your bridge. Might I also suggest that you bookmark this blog? After all, if you’ve come this far, why not?

                Where were we? Oh, yes. Hobblestone shooed the Kitty and everyone was pleased.

I don’t know about you, but I sure wish more people would learn to play the “Shoo, Kitty!” game or some variation thereof. People just get so bent out of shape lately when they don’t get what they want when they want it and how they want it. And maybe it’s my imagination, but things seem to be getting worse.

Take Virgil’s mother, for example. She had told Hobblestone that she expected Virgil to marry a girl he had been dating by the name of Lucinda. She liked Lucinda. And that says something, because there weren’t too many people that Virgil’s mother liked. In fact, she seemed to get a perverse joy out of Not Liking People. (Do you know people like that? Do you like them?) Almost as much joy as she got out of complaining about things. (I know people like that, but I’m not complaining, just pointing it out.)

Anyway, Virgil and Lucinda decided they were going to simply be friends; it was better that way.

Rule # 45: Sometimes it’s better when you decide to just be friends.

Rule # 34: When you write your own blog, you’re allowed to split infinitives whenever you want.

Rule # 35: It is wise to find out how your teachers (or editors) feel about split infinitives before you go and split your own.

Well, one day at Sunday dinner (pot roast, potato pancakes, red cabbage and freshly baked rye bread), Virgil mentioned to Hobblestone and Harry (they were often invited to Sunday dinner at Virgil’s) that he and Lucinda decided to simply be friends (see rule # 34), and that he had a date to go to the Frugal Hornets’  (the latest girl-band rage) concert that coming Friday night with a girl named Pam.

Virgil’s mother, who was in the kitchen taking a pineapple upside-down cake out of the oven, overheard what he said, and almost had a conniption. Well, actually, she DID have a conniption, and the pineapple upside-down cake ended up right-side-up on the kitchen floor while she let out a blood curdling screech!

They all went running into the kitchen. Harry slipped on a piece of pineapple and Hobblestone started giggling. He stopped giggling when Virgil’s mother glared at him over the top of her glasses and shouted “There’s nothing funny about this at all!!!!!

They all assumed that Virgil’s mother was upset because she had dropped the cake on the floor. Nothing could be farther from the truth. (Have you ever made an assumption that turned out to be incorrect? Did it involve cake or pastry?) She was upset (to put it mildly) because Virgil wasn’t serious about Lucinda any more. And right there in the messy kitchen she gave Virgil hell while the others stood there with their mouths open and in the dining room the pot roast gravy began to congeal. (All except for Virgil’s father’s gravy because he was still eating. He’d long passed the point where shrieks from his wife held any interest for him.)

Why was she so upset? She wanted Virgil to marry Lucinda. She just found out that Virgil and Lucinda decided not to get married. Virgil had already decided dating Pam (who was a very nice young lady, a third grade teacher at the Hobblestone Elementary School (named after Hobblestone’s grandfather, who was a hero during one of the wars).

Out with Lucinda. In with Pam. Down with the cake. And Virgil’s mother was in no mood whatsoever to Shoo the Kitty, if you get my meaning.

If Virgil’s mother could have Shooed the Kitty, perhaps she would have given Pam a chance. But sadly enough, from that day forward and even until this day, she despised Pam for all she was worth.

And when Harry started dating Lucinda a few months later, he was immediately uninvited to Sunday dinners at Virgil’s house. That’s how bitter she was.

                And that’s just a small example of what happens when people refuse to Shoo the Kitty when faced with one of life’s disappointments. If you want another more intense example, just think of what happened in Congress during Obama’s first term as president and you’ll know what I mean.

                That’s all for now. I’m exhausted. While you’re waiting for the next installment, you might take a look around your life and see if you’re still carrying any bitterness about some disappointment that life threw your way. Maybe you can let it go. After all, you wouldn’t want to end up like Virgil’s mother, would you?

                 And in the meantime, don’t worry about the following: 1) floor cleaning products; 2) No Child Left Behind; 3) How cattle are slaughtered.  

IX. Crossing the Flexibility Bridge

IX. Crossing the Flexibility Bridge

                Note to reader: You probably need to go back and read earlier entries if you’re going to be able to make any sense out of this at all. Of course, after reading earlier entries, you might still not be able to make any sense out of it. In that case, I guess it’s not your bridge, so feel free to click another link.

                So: Here we are, still at the Ice Cream Stand. It feels like we’re just going around in circles, doesn’t it? Well, as the rule says, Life Isn’t Linear. (Rule # 11)

And once again they’re out of Hobblestone’s favorite flavor.  (What the hell’s going on with that Ice Cream Stand?) The family tensely awaits another Temper Tantrum, but Hobblestone surprises them. What does he do? I’ll tell what he does:

He whispers the phrase, “Shoo, Kitty!” to himself and then looks around to see if there is another flavor he might enjoy, just like The Cat looked around for another snoozing spot! WOW~ Flexibility Bridge successfully caught. All thanks to The Cat, with honorable mention to Aunt Millificent. 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.  His parents were proud of him and raised their eyes to heaven and said “Thank you for Aunt Millificent!” –which was a very strange thing for them to do because Aunt Millificent was standing just a few feet away from them. (People who believe in God do that sometimes, figuring that it was God who sent that person to the rescue. Do you do that sometimes?) 

As I said, everyone was relieved, including Hobblestone’s life-long friend Harry. Aunt Millificent simply put a knowing smile on her face and winked at Hobblestone who gave her a grin that was dripping with Red Raspberry Ice Cream, running down his chin and unto his Pokemon t-shirt.  Harry looked at Hobblestone and said, “gross!”  (About Harry: Despite their friendship, sometimes Harry looked askance at some of the things Hobblestone would do or say. Do you have friends like that?)

Rule # 71: Friends sometimes look askance at what each other does. It’s okay.

Cats and dogs like to nap a lot.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kitty was taking a nap. On the DOG! And no one was the wiser. (As I tend to say: “When the cat’s away, the mice will play. When the people are away, the cat will nap.” The same thing is also true about dogs.) 

We’ll leave The Cat to its nap and the people to their ice cream. Next time, I’ll have a few things to say about the “Shoo, Kitty!" game and what it might possibly mean for our own lives. After all, this blog isn’t only about Hobblestone. 

                In the meanwhile, go have yourself some ice cream or other reward, and don’t worry about the following: 1. Child labor in Asia.  2. Unconditional love.  3. The cost of milk these days.

VIII. Another Visit to the Ice Cream Stand

VIII. Another visit to the Ice Cream Stand

 A few months later the family was once again at the Ice Cream Stand and once again they were out of Hobblestone’s favorite flavor. Once again, the family gasped. Hobblestone, however, had learned his lesson from The Cat much to everyone’s delight and surprise.

What happened? I’ll tell you what happened a little later. But first, I want to point out that Aunt Millificent didn’t know just how much the episode with The Cat had meant to Hobblestone, and what it had taught him.  

Isn’t that true so often? We set something in motion and the process continues without us even being involved in it. It’s like a gardener planting seeds which grow up to be flowers while her back is turned. Jesus once said something about a farmer sowing seeds which then grew while he was off doing something else—sleeping, probably, because sowing seed is hard work. And by the way, weeds grow the same way so we have to be careful.That brings us to a couple of Rules: 

Rule # 12: Sometimes you’re sowing seeds and you’re not even aware of it. 

Rule # 18: Be careful when you’re sowing seeds; you never know what they’ll grow up to become. 

                You might be wondering why the rule numbers are skipping around all of a sudden.  Well, there’s a reason for it. It’s happening to demonstrate that most of the time, life isn’t linear. Things skip around, whirl around, double back on themselves, reappear, get lost on other bridges and some times veer off into the blogosphere . 

 We’d like to think that everything moves along one step at a time (like Euclidean geometry), but let’s face it: you can’t study English literature that way, you can’t learn to play basketball that way, and you certainly can’t go about learning more about yourself in such an organized fashion.

  Rule # 11: Life isn’t linear.

                 Now you might dispute this, and you’re certainly entitled to. But remember Rule # 6 (back when the rules were in order). Look back at it if you need to, and then think about it for a while before we go back to the Ice Cream Stand to find out how Hobblestone had crossed his No More Tantrums Bridge. (By the way, have you crossed yours yet? If not, maybe you can learn from The Cat as well. 

                Here are a few things you don’t need to be thinking about, by the way: 1. Math anxiety.  2. Farm subsidies.  3. The difference between sine and cosine.

               

VII. The Cat

The best snoozing spot in the universe (for now).

At Aunt Millificent’s:  Shortly after arriving and having a little snack, Hobblestone picked up one of his favorite books and took it to the den. His plan was to go sit in his special chair, the one with the big wings and high arms that he could snuggle into and pretend he was in a hidden cave and everyone was looking for him but couldn’t find him. Aunt Millificent even played along with the game and pretended to be looking for him but not finding him, until finally he would give himself away with a giggle and she would gently pounce on him and snuggle him in her arms. Question: Do you  ever snuggle your loved ones? Just wondering .  . .

            Well, guess what? The cat was sound asleep in the chair.  He went over to the chair and said, “Shoo, Kitty!” Kitty the Cat jumped down from the armchair and less than a minute later was curled up somewhere else happy and content, looking like it had just discovered The Best Snoozing Spot in the Universe, and had already forgotten the indignity of being dislodged by a six-year-old boy carrying a pop-up book. Question: Have you ever noticed that when cats nap, they actually look like they’re working at it?

            Hobblestone climbed into his chair, but instead of reading his book, he just kept staring at the cat with a pensive look on his face, rubbing his chin like an old Rabbi I once knew. What was going on in his little mind?

            Aunt Millificent was wondering the same thing as she stood in the doorway watching Hobblestone stroke his chin and watch the cat. The cat, meanwhile, wasn’t watching anyone at all since she had settled deeply into her seventeenth nap of the day and could care less about what was going on in the rest of the world.

            Meanwhile, the plan that Aunt Millificent was looking for slowly began to take shape in her  mind. She summed up the details she had observed: Hobblestone shooing the cat. The cat quickly finding another place to snooze. No fuss. No bother. No trantrum. Zing! It all came together in an flash of insight!

            Smiling, she walked into the room and went over to the chair. Hobblestone skooched over a little so she could sit down with him. She sat down and he scampered onto her lap. “Oh my goodness, what a nice surprise,” she said. “There’s a Hobblestone here with me in the chair!”  <giggle, giggle> “Just a few minutes ago, Kitty was here. I wonder what happened to her. Have you seen her, my dear?”

Hobblestone giggled and pointed to the couch. “She’s over there on the couch. She was sleeping here but I shooed her down from the chair and she went right over there and curled up again.”

“Really,” Aunt Millificent replied. “Did she get mad at you?” Hobblestone rubbed his chin and giggled. “Noooooooo.” “Did she get angry or growl or try to scratch you?” “Noooooooooo” he said as he opened his eyes big. “She just walked around the room until she found another place to take her nap. She just moved on.”

“My goodness!” said Aunt Millificent. “I think I would really get upset if someone made me move away from a seat I was enjoying . . . “ Notice the consummate skill with which she was drawing him towards the desired conclusion. This woman is a true artist. “Silly Aunt Mullificent! Cats aren’t like people,” he exclaimed. “They don’t get upset the way we do. They just move on. They just find somewhere else to plop down.”

“That’s a very interesting way of putting it, dear. And do you know what?” she said as she stroked her chin and looked into his wide brown eyes. “ I think it would be nice sometimes if people were more like cats and didn’t get upset as easily when things don’t go their way.

That was all. End of discussion. This gal really knew what she was doing. In essence, she had just exposed her nephew to a new bridge, and even paid the toll and opened the gate, and said a quick prayer that he would cross it. But she’d done her job. Now it was up to him.

          Rule #7: Leave people free to make their own choices about which bridges to cross. Unless you’re a prison guard.

Less than an hour later, Hobblestone lay in his bed, having said his prayers alongside Aunt Mullificent (he even prayed for Kitty). He’d been cuddled, kissed and been lovingly tucked in. And as he started to fell asleep he was thinking about what it would be like if he were a cat.